Book 1

1. From my grandfather Verus: a good-natured disposition, and not being quick to anger[1].

2. From what I know about my father and his reputation: modesty and manliness[2].

3. From my mother: honoring the gods, generosity, and avoiding not only doing wrong but even the thought of it. Also, simple living, far from the lifestyle of the rich[3].

4. From my great-grandfather: not attending public schools, having good teachers at home, and understanding that you have to spend freely on such things[4].

5. From my tutor: not to become a Green or Blue fan at the races, or a supporter of the Parmularius or Scutarius at the gladiator shows. To put up with hardship, need little, do things myself, mind my own business, and not listen to gossip[5].

6. From Diognetus: stay away from useless things. Not believing what miracle-workers and sorcerers say about incantations and driving out demons and such things. Not keeping quail for fighting or getting excited about such things. To tolerate plain speaking. To become familiar with philosophy, studying first with Baccheius, then Tandasis and Marcianus. To write philosophical dialogues as a boy. To prefer a hard bed with a skin covering and the other things that go with the Greek training[6].

7. From Rusticus: realizing I needed to work on my character. Not getting sidetracked into showing off with rhetoric, writing fancy theories, or preaching little speeches. Not trying to impress people by acting like an athlete or do-gooder. Giving up on rhetoric, poetry, and fancy language. Not walking around the house in my toga or doing things like that. Writing letters plainly, like the one he sent my mother from Sinuessa. Being ready to make up with people who’ve upset me or done me wrong, as soon as they want to. Reading carefully, not just skimming or quickly agreeing with people who talk too much. Meeting the teachings of Epictetus, which he gave me from his own copy[7].

8. From Apollonius: being independent. Never questioning what to do—always looking to reason. Staying the same person through sharp pain, losing a child, long sickness. Seeing a living example of someone who could be intense and also relaxed. Not getting irritated when teaching. Seeing someone who obviously thought his experience and skill at explaining philosophy was the least important thing about him. Learning how to take favors from friends without feeling like I owed them or acting like I didn’t notice[8].

9. From Sextus: kindness. The example of a family run by a father. Understanding what it means to live according to nature. Being dignified without putting it on. Looking out for friends without being asked. Patience with ordinary people and people who talk without thinking. Getting along with everyone—his conversation more pleasant than any flattery, but people still respected him more than anyone. Figuring out and organizing the essential rules for life. Never showing anger or any emotion, but being completely calm and also full of love. Speaking well of others without making a fuss about it. Knowing a lot without showing off[9].

10. From Alexander the grammarian: not to criticize. Not to laugh at people for bad Greek, grammar mistakes, or made-up words. Instead, to slip the right word into my own reply or into the talk itself, correcting the matter, not the person—and to do it gently[10].

11. From Fronto: realizing what jealousy, trickery, and hypocrisy tyrants have. And how those we call “Patricians” are somehow less capable of natural affection[11].

12. From Alexander the Platonist: not to say to someone often or without necessity, either in speech or writing, “I’m busy,” and not to use the press of business as a constant excuse for avoiding the duties that arise from our relationships with those around us[12].

13. From Catulus: not to brush off a friend’s complaint, even if it’s unreasonable, but try to get things back to normal. Speaking well of my teachers with real enthusiasm, like he did about Domitius and Athenodotus. Really loving my children[13].

14. From my brother Severus: love of family, truth, and justice. Through him I learned about Thrasea, Helvidius, Cato, Dio, Brutus. Got the idea of a government where everyone has equal rights and free speech, and rulers who respect the freedom of their people above all. Also from him: staying steady in respecting philosophy. Doing good things, being generous, staying hopeful, trusting that my friends love me. Being straight with people who annoyed him—his friends never had to guess what he wanted or didn’t want, it was obvious[14].

15. From Maximus: self-control and not being pushed around. Cheerful in all situations, even when sick. A personality that mixed gentleness with dignity. Doing what needed to be done without complaining. Everyone trusted that he meant what he said and that he wasn’t trying to hurt anyone. Never surprised or shocked, never in a rush or hesitant, never at a loss or depressed or forcing a smile, but also never angry or suspicious. Helping people, forgiving, being honest. Seemed like someone naturally straight, not someone who’d been straightened out. Nobody ever felt looked down on by him, or felt they were better than him. Good sense of humor[15].

16. From my father: being gentle and sticking to decisions once he’d thought them through. Not caring about empty honors. Hard work and keeping at it. Listening to anyone who had something useful to say. Always giving people what they deserved. Knowing when to push hard and when to ease up. To stop being in love with boys. Not making friends eat with him or travel with him if they didn’t want to, and they always found him the same when they came back. Really digging into things at meetings and not quitting too soon, thinking he had the answer. Keeping his friends—not hot and cold about them. Being able to handle everything himself, and staying cheerful. Planning ahead and handling the small stuff without making a big deal about it. Shutting down the cheering and ass-kissing. Always watching what the empire needed, careful with money, and taking the criticism that came with it. No superstitious fear of the gods. Not trying to win people over with gifts or flattery or playing to the crowd. Sober and steady in everything, never crude or chasing after the latest thing. Using the good things in life when he had them—and he had plenty—without showing off or apologizing. When they were there, he enjoyed them. When they weren’t, he didn’t miss them. Nobody could call him a fake intellectual or a climber or a schoolteacher type. He was a grown man who knew what he was doing, couldn’t be flattered, and could manage his own business and others’. Respecting real philosophers without being mean to the others or fooled by them. Being friendly and funny but not too much. Taking care of his body but not obsessing over it—not afraid to die, not vain about how he looked, but not neglecting it either. Because he took care of himself, he hardly ever needed doctors or medicine. Most of all: stepping aside for people who were better at something—speaking, law, whatever—and helping them get recognized for it. Always following tradition but not making a show of it. Not restless or all over the place—he stayed in the same places, did the same things. After his bad headaches, right back to work, fresh and strong. Not many secrets—only a few, rarely, and only about government business. Good judgment about public shows, building projects, handouts to the people—thinking about what needed to be done, not what people would say about it. Not bathing at weird times. Not obsessed with building things. Not picky about food or clothes or how pretty his slaves were. His clothes came up from his place at Lorium. Most of his stuff was from Lanuvium. How he treated that tax collector at Tusculum who was apologizing. That’s how he was. Never harsh, never stubborn, never violent, never—as they say—working up a sweat. But looking at each thing clearly, calmly, methodically, firmly, consistently. Like what they said about Socrates—that he could go without or enjoy things that most people are either too weak to resist or can’t enjoy without going overboard. Being strong enough to hold out and sober enough either way—that’s a man with a perfect, unbeatable soul. Like he showed when Maximus was sick[16].

17. From the gods: good grandparents, good parents, a good sister, good teachers, good people around me, relatives, friends—almost all of them.
    That I never did anything bad to any of them, even though I might have, if things had lined up wrong.
    That nothing ever happened to force me into shame.
    That I didn’t spend more time living with my grandfather’s mistress.
    That I kept myself pure and didn’t have sex too young—even waited longer than most.
    That I had a ruler and father who knocked the pride out of me and showed me you can live at court without guards, fancy clothes, torches, statues—all that nonsense.
    That I had a brother like mine, who pushed me to improve, and whose respect and love made me happy.
    That my children were born healthy in mind and body.
    That I didn’t get carried away in rhetoric or poetry or star-gazing.
    That I was quick to honor my teachers, not holding them back because of their youth.
    That I came to know Apollonius, Rusticus, and Maximus.
    That I got clear, constant pictures of what it means to live according to nature—so the gods have done their part, with gifts, help, and signs. If I’m not living that way yet, it’s my own fault.
    That my body has held up this long in this hard life.
    That I didn’t sleep with Benedicta or Theodotus, and when I did fall in love later, I got over it.
    That even though I got mad at Rusticus often, I never did anything I’d regret.
    That my mother, though she died young, spent her last years with me.
    That whenever I wanted to help someone who was poor, I never lacked the money.
    That I never had to beg from someone else.
    That my wife is like she is—obedient, loving, simple.
    That I had plenty of good teachers for my children.
    That I got help through dreams—especially not spitting blood, not getting dizzy, and that oracle at Caieta: “As you use yourself.”
    That when I turned to philosophy, I didn’t get trapped by some sophist or waste time writing commentaries or chasing arguments.[17].

Written among the Quadi on the Gran[18].